Vasectomy
by bloodyriot
Summary: Rachel stops Noah from getting a vasectomy. How so? In that crazy Rachel way, of course! But the good kind of crazy!


He had been contemplating the choice as soon as he had seen the pamphlet while wondering around the hospital following Beth's birth. He did some phone book research and found out there was a clinic not too far from Lima that did what he needed.

As he cruised down the road in his truck, he was having some minor doubts. Who wouldn't? This was _not _the kind of thing most dudes spent money on during their summer. Guys like him would be spending his hard-earned pool cash on junk food, alcohol, video games, and condoms. Sure, next summer he could get all of those things. But there wouldn't really be a need for that last one. He gulped, forcing his mind to point out that one thing.

Suddenly, his phone rang loudly, playing some Broadway shit. Before you ask him, he did _not_ pick out that pansy ringtone. It had been chosen by none other than the princess calling him.

"Rachel Berry calling," his caller ID spoke in its robotic tone. When Berry had handed out her personal contact information to the entire glee club as captain of New Directions, he had been..._busy_. Read that as making out in a closet with a easily swayed Cheerio. Anyway, she had tracked him down after school and implanted herself into his phone. That was also the reason she had her _actual_ name in his contacts. She had made a disgusted face at his list of nicknames. For example, there was Finnessa, Baby Mama, Wheels, Asian, Other Asian, Beyonce, and Satan.

After giving him a thorough scolding of his vulgar contact system, she had also sent him her favorite song to set as her ringtone. The bars of "Don't Rain On My Parade" seemed louder than usual. He finally snatched the phone from his dashboard, flicking it open to his ear.

"Yo, Puck here. What do you want?"

"Hello, Noah. I'm glad to see your uncouth manner of greeting hasn't changed. Are you busy at the moment?"

"Well, kinda," he told her. "You taking the Puckmeister up on his offer?" he teased.

"It's important. Can you come to my house?" She sounded quiet. When the hell was Berry ever quiet?

So, due to that, he had turned around and began driving toward her house.

"On my way."

He turned off the engine, and leaped gracefully from the cab of his truck. With a muted slam, he made his way to her picturesque white door. He knocked once and yelled, "Berry, I'm here. Open the door!"

It opened immediately to reveal Rachel, tiny as ever and wearing no knee socks for once. Instead, she was dressed in one of her short fucking dresses and was cute as ever. He was between punching himself in the face or cupping himself for a manhood check. He just called Rachel _cute._ He does not do _cute._

"I'm glad you came, Noah. Come inside."

She grabbed him by the hand and lead him inside. Then they're going upstairs to her room. As soon as the door is shut behind them, she pulled him down by the collar and pressed her lips to his passionately.

"What the he-"

She cut him off with another kiss, pulling him to her bed. Once situated, she straddles him and he stops being a idiot, kissing back. He was getting too lost in her. Why did she drive him so crazy? She's not supposed to do any of this shit. She got the golden boy and everything she wanted.

He pulled his mouth away from her, sputtering, "Shit! Finn!"

"Noah, stop cursing," she frowned calmly, crossing her arms across her chest. His hands automatically moved to rest on her hips so he could gently lift her from his person. Except, there was a problem. He was tied to her bedpost with two elaborately colored scarves. She's still sitting in his lap, watching him struggle to get free.

"This is kinky and all, but I gotta go, Berry. Somewhere I gotta be." He tried getting up again, but she pushed his chest back with a stern look, reaffirming her position with some wriggling. Don't groan, he tells himself. _Do not groan_.

"No, you don't, Noah. You are _not_ getting a vasectomy."

"How do you even know about that?" he asked, raising a brow. He can't help but think of _Fatal Attraction_.

"Did you forget that we are both in possession of a Facebook profile?"

"Oh," he replied flatly.

"The Internet is not as private as you think, Noah. When you update certain things, it is there for everyone to see. But I digress. My point is, you are going to cancel your appointment."

"And why is that?" he asked, playing along. He tried tugging lightly, but nothing happened. Jesus, when had Berry taken the time to become a Boy Scout?

"Because, Noah, you cannot remove your ability to reproduce! Do you know how _selfish_ that is?" He cocked his head at her. Selfish? She continued her rant as if he had beckoned her. "Do not choose a permanent solution to a temporary problem, Noah. No matter how many times Quinn is going to say it was your fault, it doesn't make it true! It was just as much her fault! And who even _cares_ what she says? Someday you're going to find the right girl for you, and you're going to want everything with her! Lord knows we need more Jewish children in this world! But you won't be able to have children if you get your vasa deferentia cauterized!"

He's not entirely sure what that meant, but he might have heard that in sex ed. Something involving testicles and cutting. He didn't shrink away, mostly distracted by the smell of her shampoo. It was girly and nice, and smelled like berries. He liked Berry. Er, _berries._

"So you want my Jewish babies?" he blurted out, smirking.

"Yes-" she cut off and glared at him with fiery doe eyes. "Noah, you're twisting my words!"

"Yeah, baby. I'm sure." He had been thinking about it. Okay, sure, he didn't really enjoy Beth's coming into the world, but Berry carrying his child was permanently burned into his brain. It was kind of hot and he wanted that. _Bad_.

He didn't realize she had been talking again, but saw her pretty pink mouth moving.

He interrupted, "Alright, fine, babe. I'm not going to get my balls snipped. You gonna untie me now?"

"Of course." She blinked, surprised he had given in so easily. She did so, and walked him downstairs to the front door. He pulled out his phone with an exaggerated motion and showed the number he was dialing. It was the clinic he had been driving to.

"Hello? This is Noah Puckerman. I'm canceling my vasectomy appointment." He hung up and she beamed at him brightly. He reached for the door knob, pausing to give her a smoldering look. He pulled her to him, kissing her hard. He waits a few more seconds and slips his tongue teasingly before letting her go.

He leaned down so he could growl in her ear. "I'm going to make you _mine, _Rachel." He strode confidently out of her house before realizing something.

"Aw, hell. I'm gonna have to deal with Hudson."


End file.
